Ufff it's been a while since I've been on here. But that's life. Fredrik is growing so fast, and at times so slowly. I never knew babies and toddlers could really have a personality of their own, but they really do. Fredrik's has always been what we call 'expressive'. He feels every feeling fully and loudly. He also wants someone to play with him a lot of the time, he's very much an extrovert and social butterfly. Basically the opposite of myself. We also continue to struggle with him being a very picky / selective eater ; which makes me very disappointed.
Disappointment: sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.
I'm disappointed that Fredrik does not eat 95% of the foods I cook, and I'm beyond aggravated that he eats just about everything at day care. (Monkey See, Monkey Do) As a dietitian I cringe at how many processed carbs he eats and how many crappy oils are in his diet. I am also thankful that we have these foods available so that he has something to eat as we work through his sensory fears. I know that someday he will eat a wider variety of foods. However, this doesn't mean that I don't get jealous watching other people's kids gobble up the same dinner their parents are eating. I'm disappointed that I have no pictures of fredrik completely covered in spaghetti sauce, just a few of him with yogurt on his face from when he would still eat yogurt and let me feed him.
I'm disappointed that I now have the kid who hits and pulls and pushes. It's not every kid or all the time, but it's making play dates increasingly difficult and less enjoyable. This new behavior left me in tears as I drove home from our last music class on Sunday. Instead of singing and dancing and playing instruments, I played referee for 45minutes trying to keep him from hurting other kids. My friends all know this is age appropriate, but that doesn't necessarily make it that much easier to deal with.
These feelings of disappointment are normal, but no one tells you this when you are pregnant. What causes me to feel disappointed is different from every other parent. And no one tells you this as you are raising your child, except maybe your therapist. Your parents or friends might tell you that parenting is hard, but no one uses the D word. Some of this sadness feels like grief. Grieving the life you had before your child, grieving who you had expected to be as a parent and letting those expectations go. Letting go of the expectations you had for your child, and letting them show you who they are going to be (even if it's just a phase).
Here's the thing, I STILL LOVE HIM. I love his full belly laugh when he's being tickled. His excitement at seeing Dad come home from work; or seeing me when I pick him up from day care. I love watching him learn new skills and do silly things like putting his elephant in his potty chair and then walk around the house trying to show it to Samoa. I love the hugs and snuggles I get in the morning and after naps. I love watching him learn to pet Samoa 'gently' instead of chasing her off our laps. I love hearing him babble and sing when we drive in the car. (After the yelling and fighting to get him into the carseat of course.) I take solace in knowing that many of the things I don't like right now will change. There will be other disappointments along the way, and other new things to love.
I'm learning to accept this, and somedays it's easier than others.
I'm a dietitian with a passion for good nutrition, bold flavors, playing in the dirt, and being with my family.